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WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

Witnessing assorted mindless acts on the roads these days it’s no wonder there are so many accidents as it now seems everybody has to be somewhere before they even set out. Some don’t know we still drive on the left hand side of the road as opposed to the popular practice among some of their not too sure so will drive down the middle of the road until something in the distance gets closer and then nip over the opposite side to whatever it is fast approaching them.

Being overtaken the other day by a female of the other species who dispensed with such frivolities as using the indicators with perhaps the worry of if using them too often it will wear the bulbs out and as she passed me I saw that she was on her mobile phone as it was clamped in position via her tilted head and shoulder keeping it in place and from the back view could easily pass for Quasimodo so can only guess she was booking her Advanced Driving exam for later on, assuming there is a later on for her if she kept on ‘driving’ in that manner of course.

What was mind boggling was the fact she had about five, perhaps more small youngsters crammed in the back and judging by the time of the day this was the early morning school run and worryingly perhaps some people had entrusted her to take their children among those in the back of her car..

What was laughable was one of those ludicrous ‘Child on Board’ signs hanging in the rear window so everything was all right then (I like to think I drive in a normal fashion regardless of silly signs in the window in front about the size of the passengers as nobody ever puts one in about their carrying Japanese Admirals as they must be small as well). As she was still roaring up the road she had to brake suddenly and further joy was only one brake light was working.

Next up is the idiot with Lead Foot Syndrome and is usually spotted in action when you join a road or enter a roundabout only to find you have unknowingly switched on a giant magnet in the rear of your car as there is somebody so close to your rear bumper, its only possible to use a cigarette paper to slide between your car and theirs to see how tight it is and this is listed as Thickus Tailgaterus and just how would they stop in an emergency?

Last time this happened I made a mental note to get full length ramps fitted to go over the car so that these superior beings can drive straight over me and get to that all important destination that requires such speed as I am only too happy to get to my destination intact but I can say its bit of a knack to keep to supposed speed limits or are they just suggested limits as judging by a lot of the knuckledraggers out there, it seems to be.

Right then – off now to find that elusive magnet fitted in the car as the car handbook is not that helpful.


I called time on my new watch offer