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WEEKEND WEB: What do I know?

John Ward
John Ward

WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

Driving into town recently I noticed five people, possibly six as it could have been a choccy bar being devoured in one instance, driving while on the mobile phone device with two being HGV drivers but either way any of these halfwits could change somebody’s life, possibly permanently, by not having both hands on the controls although I did notice one who was not on a phone but then I realised it was me as I was looking in my rear view mirror.

Then the car behind me with the lady (debatable) driving with phone clamped on her head with, I would offer a guess, three small children as I could just about see their heads bobbling about in the front passenger seat which I would assume the makers – wrongly – thought only one person would sit in with a seat belt on.

Then she overtook me without using them things that go on and off, on and off called indicators as she ‘cut me up’ as it’s popularly known as but I could not help but notice a few more heads in the back seat area, also bobbling about but one thing that did catch my eye in the back window was the yellow sign with ‘Children on Board’ and begs the question it’s a shame the driver was not showing any consideration to the said children and if not all hers, did their parents etc. know of her ‘driving’ antics?

I may well get me a sign to hang in my back window with ‘Observant Old Fogey’ stamped on it and if I get enough interest, I may print a few off for those like-minded or at least for those who have got the strength to hang it up.

Once parked I wandered around the metropolis that is the town centre and noted that the Easter egg/choccy season has swiftly moved in to fill the vacant slot left by the recent Christmas bonanza in some shops and stores with an interesting thing being for the cost of a chocolate egg about the same size as a real one, you can buy half a dozen or near enough, of the egg thing as evolved by a chicken but minus the shiny foil wrapper.

Popped into a DIY outlet to see assorted signs up stating ‘When it’s gone, it’s gone’ but on inquiring it seems it’s not any of the staff but there are other inanimate bits that are going through this process finally going as ‘when it’s gone, it’s gone’, like.

Next was a look at the magical list of ‘things to get’ as I drifted off to the shop where I last brought one item but after looking around in the place or the shelf where I last brought one from, its now full of light bulbs – no sign of any heavy bulbs though.

I then asked a passing assistant for help as here we went through something akin to applying for permission to store radioactive isotopes in the garden shed as my – I thought – question as to where would I find these items or rather one of, was greeted with “I will ask for you as I don’t work here all the time..” at which I asked if she could point out the staff who do work there all the time while being there and the look I got was pleasant but not forthcoming with any verbal response.

She told me to wait where I stood as she would ‘go and find out’.

After a little while she returned on her own as she obviously did not find this person called ‘out’ as possibly ‘out’ works part time as in yet another person/assistant that ‘don’t work there all the time’ just to add to the confusion.

But there was both good news and bad.

The bad news is they no longer stock them but there is good news of sorts – oddly they get a lot of people asking if they still sell them but as my new-found friend Moonstruck pointed out: ‘If we restocked them, we might sell out of them and be back where we are now..’ and to be fair there is a sort of logic going spare there but for the life of me, I can’t bring it to mind but she shows promise – or threat – of being of that calibre that is executive management material or as it used to be known as, ornamental with less emphasis on the orna but the mental bit a dead cert.

I would point out at this moment that if anybody whom may have seen me at the time, seemingly talking to myself outside a certain well known store; I wish to set the record straight at this point.

I was merely talking and asking a question as I stared skywards as in: “Why me Lord all the time? – I ate all my greens up as a mere childlet – so why me all the while?”

Next port of call was another store that did have what I required but to be honest, it’s not so much the actual shopping process that I find a chore but they now operate a cattle grid queuing system where you queue up and eventually you hear a message ‘Till number three’ or wotever then off you trot to it.

I dread hearing its ‘Till number nine’ as its my turn as you wear even more shoe leather out as it’s not so much the shopping that gets me down but the travel involved in trying to get out.

Once this endurance test is over, it’s out into the fresh air although a passing electric cigarette person came along with his own personal smoke screen or mobile fog as I thought if your car was belting out similar clouds of smoke, you would take it to a garage to be looked at but then again, wadda I know?

As I stand looking at assorted traffic coming from either way while trying to cross the road, and before you can whistle the first few bars of any ‘ABBA’ song, yet another three vehicles/drivers pass with a phone clamped on the sides of their heads – is there no escape from them or have they opened up more branches in the area?

By now I am basically losing the will to live as somebody stops their car as they are ‘lost’ and I being the kind soul that I am, offer help if I can.

The lady was looking for a ‘Evangelistical Reunion’ (nope, me neither) that she thought was in the area as she had seen the signs – E R – in big white letters on red background and wondered where it was being held.

I pointed out that these signs were bunged up a few years ago based on the idea in the event of severe flooding, as experienced by some in the area, thus E R stood for Evacuation Route and to follow it based on the notion nobody drives towards a flood.

Then I was asked ‘was I drunk?!’ to which I said this should have been asked at the time of those responsible when they were bunged up with no defining publicity to explain them to the public – or visitors – at large that it might affect them such as her asking now as she was a stranger in the area with her band of two disciples in the car but what did I know because as far as I aware I have never seen any official media warning, although if anybody can point to any I would be thrilled, so good luck to those passing through who might look and wonder at our delightful signage but not while on their mobile device please.


Boris, bridges and me


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