The terror in the garden
This week in my own garden I was confronted by a killer beast. A beast so terrible he threatens to destroy what I have worked so hard for. His vicious sharp teeth and red glowing eyes would send lesser men running. I am of course referring to next doorâ s cat â Tiddles.
Tiddles has decided that my veg bed is, in fact, his toilet and that no amount of discouragement is going to change neither his mind or his habits.
Ladies and gentlemen, with a heavy heart, I must declare that war has broken out in Quadring this week.
The trouble with Tiddles is he prefers to do his business at night under the cover of darkness with the evidence for all to see visible the following morning.
I tried to convince my wife to allow me to sit up all night with a super soaker in hand ready to humanely, but also quite amusingly, discourage Tiddles, but Claire quite politely reminded me that the last time I stayed up late working in the garden; the police were called, as the neighbours thought I was a burglar.
This was a fair point but she didnâ t seem to have any objection to the use of a super soaker water blaster - 1.3litres of pure watering power. Ask Elizabeth, my daughter; sheâ s lost many a water fight to the awesome power of this WMD (weapon of mass drenching).
Tensions reached breaking point over the weekend, when he introduced his gang of biker cats to my potato patch. My veg bed had become the hottest ticket in town for trouble making cats.
I felt Tiddles was wiping my nose in it and succeeding. I had to take matters into my own hands. After a quick flick through the yellow pages for Hitmen on a budget I had drawn a blank. So I picked up the telephone and rang the only person I knew who could possibly help. No, not The Equaliser, but Dean at Baytree.
With my voice trembling, I explained to Dean how this furry four- legged menace and his gang had brought terror to my garden and that an Englishmanâ s home is his castle and must be defended.
Step forward Deanâ s recommendation of Neurdoffâ s Super Strength Cat Repellent. Not normal strength, but super strength. After a liberal sprinkling of these natural granules on my potato bed, Tiddles and his gang have moved on, tails between their legs.
Dean, we the people of Quadring salute you!