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'Nobody lovcs a burned sausage...'

This weekend we are going to have a garden party, said my wife. My orders were to ensure the garden looked presentable and that I didn’t poison anyone with my cooking.

With her orders still ringing in my ears a plan began to formulate. I wasn’t worried about the garden, it was the comments Claire made around the food that had sparked a new and glorious idea. Operation Burnt Burger was born.

I have been hankering after one of those fancy gas barbecues for ages - you know, the ones that make you look like a barbecue king. Claire had never been keen on me getting one, as she felt it wouldn’t take long before I blew myself up.

Over the bank holiday weekend, I managed to convince Claire to visit Baytree with me as they had a barbecue demonstration going on.

I kept dropping hints about how cool they were and just think how great it would be if we had one, say, for an upcoming party in the garden?

Operation Burnt Burger had worked, as she agreed to a new barbecue. It was like all my Christmases and birthdays had come at once.

Step forward Quadring’s newly-anointed Barbecue King. I’m fully expecting a BBC news team to cover my inaugural event. I’ll agree ...but only if Fiona Bruce presents. Her blend of style and charisma are very similar to my own.

I know what you’re thinking - what barbecue did you go for? Well I, following some incredible man-to-man advice from Louis in Baytree’s barbecue department opted for a Grill Stream four-burner Gourmet Barbeque.I could have gone for a six-burner but I didn’t want to appear ostentatious. To be fair, the choice they had was amazing.

Louis explained how the Grillsteam technology seals in the flavour and prevents fat from causing the burners to scorch your sausages. No one wants a scorched sausage. Every card-carrying barbecueist over time has watched many a promising sausage become cremated.

Anyhow. the party was great, Claire looked stunning and I was magnificent as the chef, even if I say so myself.

I even went out and bought one of those tall chef’s hats just so I looked the part. I left the vegetable-based nibbles for Claire to sort out. I guess it’s just that caveman instinct for man to burn meat.

As yet I have not heard of any direct or indirect cases of food poisoning from our guests.

However, Fiona wasn’t on the telly this morning?

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