WEEKEND WEB: How’s yours going?

John Ward and his weight watcher

WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

While its now the trend to blame anything and everything being ‘lost’ in the post, in transit or the wrong sort of sand in the bottom of your budgie’s cage etc – the list of mitigating excuses is endless and time consuming depending on your stamina or having to take Bonzo for his usual walkies at a preset and agreed time – but one thing that is constantly being pushed at me, or us overall, is ‘do it digital’ (as going on-line) and depending on what exactly ‘it’ is, it’s not always the case.

I spotted an item recently on the beloved and all singing and digital dancing internet but I wanted more details which the blurb attached to the said item did not give but help was at hand – groan, double groan – as I could contact an ‘advisor’ via email and (I quote) ‘a quick response will be given within hours if not minutes depending on how busy our advisors are’ and so reading this I duly wrote my request in the nice little box provided and clicked as away it then went into cyber space.

This was December 27 and knowing the place of business was open as the opening hours were listed and all ‘our lines were open’ – it said– so not a case that it’s all shut down for the supposed ‘Christmas break’ as it was a ‘High Street’ retail outlet after all.

I fully understand everything I hear or read and is taken all as being truthful as by the same line of thought it seems I am also let down as most of the time it turns out I have been misled and this was to be no exception.

On January 2, the one following on from the last December, I received an email regarding my request and started off with – I quote – ‘Due to closures over the New Year and Christmas period, it has taken us longer to get back to our valued (?!) customers’ and that sounds wonderful had it not been for the minor, picky point that they boasted (or told fibs) about their opening hours or has the normally formulated seven days in a week, 24 hours in a day, ‘your call is in a queue and is important to us and an advisor will be with you shortly’ been superseded and I was not made aware?

Anyway the item I was inquiring about, silly me, was now sold but ‘thanks for getting in touch’ (grrrr!) as I next wondered if they do those ‘Blame n Claim’ deals where you claim for the mental distress caused by inane companies messing you about but then it crossed my mind that if they do, its bound to be digital as well.

Some years ago friend Barry’s business was going through assorted mental hoops as set up by his bank as it got that bad – he explained that the manager was not into common sense and facts written in black and white as in the banks own supplied statements and kindred paperwork – that he felt quite drained.

He even thought about ‘taking a revolver and going into the library to do the decent thing’ like they talk about in books and films but I said he would be very lucky to do that due to the opening hours of the library, assuming its not been closed down because of ‘cutbacks’ plus there would be the fine imposed for disturbing the peace to consider as ‘rools is rools’ least we forget.

Next I heard he had suffered a nervous breakdown or something similar, so after a fortnight or rather as soon as I found out where he was, I went to visit him at a home he was placed in and seeing him in that bed was quite something but he was in good spirits as he said that it had taken the best part of a week of complaining that he wanted to be ‘near a window’ as finally his wish was granted, so all he wanted now was to have his bed turned round so he could see out of it.

He was a lad was Barry – well he had to be otherwise it would have messed the labels up on the toilet doors, although now apparently it would be perfectly acceptable – and one thing that puzzled me and others was whenever we went out he always parked his car under a street lamp or lamppost in the evenings, more so during the winter months.

Being curious (read as in being nosey then) I asked him as he was locking up one evening as we went to a bash why and he replied that by doing so the car would be warmer when we got back into it later.

Wonder why I laugh at all this ‘global warming’ malarkey? – the perpetrators of that supposed ‘cause’ should have cut their losses and had a word with Barry.

His brother Ian was another classic in his way. He was snooker mad and just about every spare moment or otherwise, he would be in the snooker hall clouting balls with a wooden toothpick type stick, but bigger, with a not too pointed front end.

He was a good player but he lost badly once in a match to a supposed ‘no hoper’ but Ian being Ian blamed his poor playing on his wearing heavy cuff-links as they upset his balance.

For the record nobody asked if his wrist watch had thick hands on it or the weight of the strap and buckle but it’s the simple things in life that keep us going I suppose.

As we have just got into the ‘New Year’ and all it entails like sales going on for a few more months as usual, it was in conversation that somebody said they were ‘going to watch their weight this year’ and I thought what a wonderful idea as the next bit was they were now going to ‘stock up on diet type (?) foods’ although the simple and common sense approach is eat less – and it’s cheaper and takes up no cupboard space.

I made this observation known and if nothing else, it means one less Christmas greeting card to expect in real terms after July when the season starts again.

However the more I thought about this and chum doing this weight watching lark I thought to myself I too can have a go and so on the phone, found an adviser that was not busy and ‘my call was important’ and I ordered the kit to get started with.

To be fair the delivery was quite quick as I had selected the 25 kilo model but the first I knew of its arrival was when the courier knocked on the door and asked if I could give a hand to get it in as I said he was lucky as I had the left hand lying about that might be of help as he said that would be alright but reminded him I only had the left one.

So far I am able to report that since getting said kit in, not a lot has happened but to be perfectly frank with you as there were no instructions with it, so perhaps its bit of a learning curve but I am watching my weight as best I can and I will keep you posted of any news as it happens. Happy watching.

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