WEEKEND WEB: Dresses in keeping

John Ward
John Ward
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WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

I had not seen Alan for ages but we have been friends for ages and I just seen him recently in Peterborough, which is like Spalding but there is more of it, as he explained that his wife had just left him.

On the bright side he said she would be back as she was trying to park the car as the spaces seemed to be full or nearly so, although it was quite possible that she would stop off on the way back to him as she might want to buy a new dress as it seems she was of the habit of buying a new dress, getting home then modelling it for him and anybody that might be at home before taking it off, then putting it in the wardrobe and never to be seen again until its pulled out in the next few months/years or so to be given to a charity shop as he explained the process.

At some point she would do her usual ‘audit’ of stuff in her wardrobe/s then pull various dresses and suchlike out, view with him looking on and asking his opinion as in should she donate it or not but had learnt not to say ‘yes’ as this usually brought on things like: ‘You’ve never liked that dress have you?!’ or ‘So what is wrong with it? – have I put on weight?!– is that what you are trying to say?!’ but as he pointed out that apart from the getting it home process, wearing it for three minutes before being put into storage ( ie the wardrobe/s), he had never seen it on her ever again to form any worthwhile conclusion.

By now Sheila had arrived, having parked their car, but minus any trendy looking carrier bags with expensive looking ‘big shop’ names stamped on them and I think I may have heard Alan’s wallet heave a sigh of relief but could not be sure but based on what he had said this might be early days, even minutes, yet of course.

She pointed out they were happy grandparents again and the latest addition to the tribe was granddaughter Pokomarraina who weighed in – or out depending on if you go for net or gross figures at such times – a trifling six pounds and a few ounces as like buying beer that is sold or dispensed in pint glasses, so therefore new born are always graded in pounds and ounces as opposed to that new fangled metric stuff.

I was intrigued to hear she was called Pokomarraina as her christian name, or first name if running the risk of upsetting anyone in this PC age, as it was quite unusual or it was to me and judging by the look on Alan’s face, he also.

He pointed out it was because their daughter and her hubby had decided to give her this name as they have hopes she will eventually end up working for the BBC as one of their news correspondents who would be sending ‘live’ reports from around the world from assorted exotic, or toxic, locations so by giving her this sort of trendy sounding name, it’s a starting point – or forward planning in their books.

So in years to come if you should hear on the main news that: ‘We are now going live to Pokomarraina Golikely in Outer Clutterbuck – so what can you tell us about the bingo famine and how the numbers are dropping off..’ but dear reader, you will be able to say; ‘I know who she is as her grandmother buys expensive stuff not to wear, models them and sends to charity shops after coming out of storage at home, who is married to Alan’.

I had to ask discreetly as how they came up with, well, Pokomarraina and it seems they had a few letters left over from a Scrabble session or thereabouts.

Overall I said that this was hoping a lot, all things considered, as Pokomarraina might not want to go down that route, however ‘chosen’ at this point in time but Alan cast an eye towards the shops and asked was it a planned career move by Elvis Presley that despite the fact he passed away nearly 40 years ago that they still bring out a calendar every year as we both stared at the 2018 offering in a shop window.

There are times when I wonder if the world is going too fast for me, this being one of them.

Apart from all this excitement, they are both okay and doing fine in the medical sense as they asked how I was ticking and I pointed out I was looking for a small 240 volt, as in a mains powered ‘cheap and cheerful’ angle grinder for a project I am working on –sort of ‘can it be done?’ type of thing – so I don’t want to pay a fortune to find that the idea won’t work as I mentally see it as this way it has not cost a fortune.

It was while looking on-line at various power tool websites I came across one item that looked the biz, not too expensive but the bit that grabbed me was:

‘Purchasers must be 18 years of age or over’ (?!?!?)

I have never, ever seen such a requirement before for basically a DIY tool as most leading hardware/DIY stores stock and sell them without any such warnings as far as I am aware or nobody has ever asked over the past 30 years or so of buying them or even remember taking a note signed by my mum either – it was bad enough trying to get four library books signed out, never mind an angle grinder.

As a teenager you had to be e18 or over to get library books out otherwise you had to get your parent’s written consent although a minor point was a friend who was 17 joined the army as a bandsman and, in theory, could go to far flung places and shoot folk but was not eligible to get any library books out for another year.

So take this as a warning – should you see any potential vandal or those with evil intent (or out-tent if sunny weather) coming your way, dragging a generator behind them to power up said angle grinder, then be very, very weary.

Worse possible scenario is your less than average vandal who can’t afford a generator of their very own as they have only just managed to scrape the money together to buy the grinder for he or she may knock on your door and ask if you have an extension lead for them to ‘plug into’ before then starting to carve up your home, car or whatever you have that they don’t have and in their mind, you won’t have much longer as this is how vandalism sort of works.

The only thing that bugs me is I am blessed if I can remember where I saw the advert in the first place as I was ‘flicking and clicking’ through assorted sites so fast I had lost track of it although I won’t be donating it, once I get it, to any charity shop just yet regardless of it fits me or not.

Note: the name of Pokomarraina Golikely has been changed to protect the guilty – but its close.


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