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WEEKEND WEB: A new year beckons for us all

John Ward
John Ward

WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

Having survived those two days that is now designated Christmas, its hard to believe the build up since last July or rather it was July time that I first noticed the initial rumblings of the forthcoming event that is now the ‘festive season’ procedure.

Some signs or clues seem to have been missing this time round in the weeks leading up to and including the days marked Christmas and Boxing Day on your calendar and that were the usual adverts on the flat screen wonder for the ‘hits album’ of whomever you had forgotten all about or thought they were no longer with us although their ‘greatest hits’ album is still available – yet again.

Although not being with us is but a minor point as Elvis Presley has not let the grass grow under his microphone stand as his records still sell and considering some of the supposed ‘artistes’ of today, we should perhaps be grateful for as will any of the current crop be selling their wares in 30 or 40 years’ time?

I must admit I was a 50/50 Elvis fan as I did like some of his stuff – likewise my mum, of the people for the people, who thought his rendition of ‘Jailhouse Rock’ was brilliant although in some less than salubrious sectors of our society this was called or referred to as ‘Home Sweet Home’ but the sentiment is there.

In some respects the above quoted flat screen wonder (FSW) has been a sort of barometer of sorts to the cultural heritage as it can be looked upon as a sort of almanac if you like as assorted bits and bobs appeared that more of less informed you of things, in quite a few cases best to be avoided but we won’t dwell too much in that area as it can be upsetting for some, more so if their last bank statement has not arrived yet.

People with no perceived culinary skills will emerge with the cooking or recipe books that will by March/April be available in assorted pound type shops.

Before their demise the MFI sale was always starting at 10am on Boxing Day as this advert/information was run on just about every advert break going on the FSW year after year.

To be fair I had brought stuff from them over many years and I was never quite sure how they managed to do it but their three drawer bedside cabinet, in white melamine or pine finish, was always at £14.99 for umpteen years and I brought four of them over those years and not one fell apart .

For some inexplicable reason this is also the time of the year/season for deals that can imply ‘up to 90 per cent off a fitted kitchen’ or thereabouts but if you missed out on the kitchens, you just hang about long enough as perhaps a fitted bedroom might tickle your wallet or purse maybe.

I have never met any of these people that must seemingly have to grab a bargain kitchen/bedroom/pigeon loft in the ‘New Year sales’ but about summer time they start stripping their sale bargains out as in their kitchen/bedroom/pigeon loft deals to make way for the next batch of the same like for like sale offers coming up at the next New Year sales as it must be frightening to think that they might be ‘breaking the chain’ with not continuing with having a new fitted thingamajig every year.

It must be quite harrowing being confronted with does one buy a replacement sink plug, say, about June time or hang on till the coming New Year as a new fitted kitchen will be on its way.

Then there is the three piece suite saga, in assorted colours to baffle the eyeballs with assorted deals associated with ownership that offer ‘Take it now and pay for it when the mood grabs you in a few years time’ or at the very least, you can leave a mention in your Will should you wish to depart from the deal in a more than final and ultimate arrangement.

By the end of January or mid February at the latest, there will be formal surrenders that basically mean the exercise bicycle, ditto treadmill, buttock wobble boards and other assorted devices that were given or brought with the idea/delusion of getting one’s body into shape will come to a dramatic end when such devices will be deemed as ‘unworkable’, ‘it’s killing me, luv’ or ‘the boozer is open now’ plus other excuses, sorry, valid reasons given or uttered as the devices will either end up in charity shops or kept until the spring and will form the centre piece on many and varied car boot sales paste tables the length and breadth of a field close to you on a Sunday morning.

The New Year will see the wedding of the year or possibly decade as two supremely well known and adored famous people that are worshipped by millions, or if not available, by thousands, who will enter into married bliss.

This can only mean that Bubbles La Bow (outright winner of the 2017 ‘I’m a Complete Waste of Space - Getta Me Into Anything!) will enter into wedlock/contractual arrangement with Garth Wilderness (winner of ‘I Gotta Bit of a Voice 2017’) who then will live happily ever after or until the deal ends due to artistic differences being alleged - ie the record/downloads didn’t sell, the keep fit DVD/download ditto plus the recipe book was serialised in the Sunday Bugle to the lowest circulation figures going.

Of their combined 67million followers on social media, plus those still living with their parents, only five attended the ceremony with the others citing flu, backache or there was a fitted kitchen sale on nearby as reasons for not attending.

The bride wore a cloak of secrecy as the photos had been sold to ‘Geddaway’ magazine with the bridegroom wearing an open and closed smile – o animals or those over 79 years of age saving for their first electric car, were harmed in any way.

They will part on favourable terms with Bubbles having her own weekly (okay, weakly then) chat show on Stagnant TV (Channel 28975, re-tune now) and Garth will present a series on how not to be taken in by charlatans who propose marriage to gain publicity and the first programme with feature Bubbles and himself.

The series will last one programme.

But all is not lost as Bubbles will be hard at work on her keep fit DVD and Garth will be in the studios recording how to install and fit a designer kitchen with both being in time for next Christmas.

Bubbles hinted her ‘fitness sweat bands’ will be sold exclusively on a well known shopping channel initially priced at a phenomenal £1.99 plus £7.99 postage and packing with the bulk left over going on to car boot sales as outlined earlier.

Have a Happy New Year

PS: the sales have already started – or have they ever stopped?


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