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WARD'S WORLD: One day we'll be able to say 'It's behind you!'




A new year is with us but certainly a different one in every way from the last one when there was a more vibrant atmosphere to it then as being the normal as there were no restrictions in place then.

However, this one started off with a positive feel as I was hearing from people making plans about events they are either going to attend or are helping to organise but then came Lockdown Three.

I must admit we do need something to aim for – much like Whiskey, our old family dog who specialised in trees or lampposts – as the past year has been the stuff of nightmares.

The Hilary Clinton nutcracker (43919593)
The Hilary Clinton nutcracker (43919593)

Due to ‘recent events’ this Christmas past did show up certain miscalculations as in assuming it was like previous Christmas events.

Basically the same sort of festive requirements were ordered by some plus duly paid for in the belief ‘things would get better’.

They didn’t, although some now traditional events did go ahead as normal but in a different form.

The Boxing Day sofa, furniture, carpet, fitted kitchen and ditto bathroom sales still started at ten o’clock that morning but was mostly via the internet to save on any personal interaction, masked or otherwise, until further bright ideas are dreamt up.

It’s strange to think that a lot of people up until last year thought that tiers were merely confined to how many lumps of cake could be stacked up in either wedding or birthday cakes.

Speaking – or writing – about cakes, due to how many folk were ‘allowed’ to mingle or mix in a household at any one time over the festive period, it left many people with piles of food left over as a lot was pre-ordered.

Many realising that their order could not be cancelled without possible assumed ‘penalties’ invoked then attempted to lie down in front of the fork lift trucks arriving with their orders on as a form of futile protest.

One such family who ‘usually have about 20 for Christmas lunch’ were left with just five members to feed, so they still had a rather large turkey that was cooked anyway as even the Magnificent Five still needed their din-dins.

However, according to one family survivor, he thinks he will still be eating turkey in one form or another for the next three months.

Cake rears its head again as the Christmas cake was cut up and put into assorted containers for keeping.

Although perhaps we might be a little jealous of these same people sitting down to eat it during August by the time supplies run out, although barbecued fruit cake might be an option by then.

Oddly the crates, cases and tankers of drink didn’t seem to pose any problems.

The bags of assorted nuts went without mishap as the ‘snap-ping’ of the shells ricocheted all over the lounge walls.

I was given a pair of ‘Hilary Clinton Nut Crackers’ (yes, really) as a Christmas present (certainly beats the old standby cufflinks idea) by a fan. The other one resorted to giving me a solar powered pencil but I can only write with it for up to an hour in the evenings but no colouring-in is allowed.

They also come with a two year guarantee, which is about half the distance if she was elected into office –what a gal.

I can only wonder if the ‘Bo-Jo Air Dryer’ with hair spreader and ruffler attachment, will be available based on this enterprise although for my humble needs I would only use one half of its potential power.

So we come to the sports news segment of this delightful and informative stab into current affairs.

Friend John is already hard at work behind the scenes trying (hopefully) to get his firm’s sports club cricket team up and running, depending on who’s bowling that is, as it will be now two years since their last event was held.

I must admit he is dedicated but he also has a worry that with all the sponge minded folk wandering about waiting to be led astray, they might see him or ‘the game’ as another target/excuse as they suddenly find – or declare – that the bat and wickets used are sourced from an endangered species of tree.

He has visions of seeing all the said bats and wickets being gathered up and their varnish or linseed oil removed, then they will be released back into the forests and woodlands from whence they came.

This will be organised by the usual assorted ‘save the world’ crowd, led by somebody nobody has heard of but had a minor role in a controversial play on Channel 4 telly.

Plan B: they had a song out on good behaviour (release was never an option) that is currently number 917in the ‘charts’ having sold 13 downloads so far but cares passionately about the environment.

One person explained that he now realises that toilet rolls are cheap to buy plus no upkeep as such like needing regular feeding.

This all came about by a ‘panic buying’ moment he had based on the supposed new theory: “Well, everybody else was doing it weren’t they?”

However, he now finds –or rather the ‘Family Power Force’ as in She Who Irons – wants the airing cupboard back as nature intended it to be used for and not for bog-roll hibernation purposes.

So he is debating on ‘storing them elsewhere’ within their humble abode, then having a stall at a car boot sale as soon as they get back to normal.

Irony raises its head once again as many people about this time of the year are busy looking around to book up to go to the annual pantomime that is part of the fabric of our culture and tradition.

I say irony as it seems to have escaped many people’s minds that we have all actually been in a sort of warped production of a pantomime since last March.

We went from one larger than life questionable situation to another but the comedy roles changed somewhat from ‘The brokers men’ to ‘The Experts’ – “Ohhhhh, yes they are!” although we didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at times. So we now hopefully await the final curtain on this current production but not before we hear that traditional line spoken: ‘It’s behind you!’ or at least we all hope it is more sooner than later.



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