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Ward's World: It’s in the wurbs

By Spalding Today Columnist

I am often asked how I can recall the mispronunciations/word mangling that people manage to come out with that I scribble about in this very space but while I don’t really have the answer, it may well be that the fact having lived, nay survived, during austere years when people were restricted to speaking to one another face to face, helped as opposed nowadays to texting one another within the same visual distance, I tended to remember the real spoken word years ago more before MDF (Mobile Device Fidgeting) became a first language to many whom converse in fluent shorthand to each other viva texting.

Going back about 20 or 30 years ago, you tended to take more notice of what a person said, be it stupid, helpful, insulting or informative. You remembered it more because there was something about it that made it memorable, unlike today where I cannot recall a single text message that stands out over the years when I have sparsely used this form of enlightenment that comes to mind.

Bottom line is they lack that human element of them being audible and in many cases text thus stops anything becoming memorable or rather this is my viewpoint.

Although the English language was once a basic sound structure due to its very being, it has now descended into such a mangled shadow of what it used to be, with people nowadays conversing in letters or acronyms such as LOL (laugh out loud), SMH (shaking my head) and IKR (I know, right’.

Recently I was in a queue in a retail outlet and could not help but overhear two young ladies, whom judging by the abbreviated language they spoke/shrieked at one another (they were mere feet and inches apart so you can understand the need for shouting at one another) with the added ‘joy’ of after every sentence they looked boggle or pop-eyed at one another with synchronised lifting of eyebrows in unison before using the verbal explanation mark of ‘I’m, like, oh my God, like!’ as if something of meteoric happening had taken place.

Worry yourself not as the topic, I think, was something quite serious (in their world at least) as to which way one of them was considering cutting/slicing/slashing her jeans up (new at £87 - ‘a real, really bargain, like’) with the other suggesting to ‘look on-line to see if there are any good videos to get an idea, but you don’t wanner copy anyone, like’ although this was amazingly spoken in plain understandable English so I am not sure what went wrong there, like.

Its hard to believe or rather comprehend that according to this verbal cultural exchange, if I heard it right, that these two individuals have been blessed with some wonderful sounding educational award/degree/whatever that will hopefully assist them in their chosen careers but with a limited vocabulary that embraces: ‘like’ - ‘I am, well, like, oh my God!’ - ‘Amazing!’ -‘Incredible!’ it’s hard to see what profession or calling they might undertake although possibly the BBC with its various arteries might be a first serious POC (Port Of Call) with an eye set on perhaps the early (but not too early) morning radio breakfast show format as a good starter, like.

One bizarre thought is that if anybody should be kidnapped, and perish the very idea, that if these two were involved in some shape or form, be it replying to the ransom note/demand in whatever state or even where to drop any possible ransom off as asked for, then the consequences could well be dire, like.

By now my point of being able to relate to real words, however mangled, that are spoken might live on in the memory possibly more than the above examples of supposed ‘modern life’ or what passes for it.

We don’t get so much of it nowadays but during our summer months (July and August - others pending) not so many years ago there were a lot of reported ‘sightings’ of alien space craft or alien activity in general but since the abundance of more hi-tec or sophisticated cameras and similar devices to record any ‘sightings’ with, there seems to be less of them oddly.

Although that is not to say ‘they’ are not still landing on a small, out the way farmstead in some remote part of Wyoming or similar which used to be the place they opted for - never heard of one doing the rounds in or near Milton Keynes (the parking there may have put them off a bit) but how they knew it was summer and humid here at that time of the year amazes me as even our weather forecasters/guessers are not that ‘on the ball’ as we have found out the hard way in recent times, like.

The point I am making is that if these supposed people/beings from another planet are so far advanced - perhaps their furniture sales end on a Monday but don’t start again till the following Friday, rather than the Tuesday or Wednesday we have here by tradition - that they can get here unnoticed, park and try to make friends with some of ‘our people’, just what would they make of those unable to speak but just text as a form of communication as it means they have had a wasted journey, cost them a car/lunar module parking ticket plus nobody to take a photo of them - or selfie - with a clueless looking halfwit, with bulging eyes that craves attention as in one of ‘us’- like

Not so long ago a lecturer friend was telling me about one of his classes he was taking as after giving a lecture he posed a question to one boy: ‘Would you say the age of chivalry is still with us in this modern age where some traditions have fallen by the wayside?’ with the reply being: ‘It depends on the person’s circumstances really as not everybody has, or wants, central heating partly due in some cases to the initial financial outlay’.

I asked him if this was the answer he wanted or expected to which he replied that he should have defined the difference between chivalry and shivering although the thought of early retirement seemed quite a good idea and if this was sort of ‘warning shot’ then it was time to jack the job in if this was the intellectual level of the students was anything to judge by - he said that his wife Helen had thought about buying a small shop, somewhere on the south coast, and that might be a better option the way things are going after he explained what had happened to her back home, like.

He summed it all up by saying the future looks so bleak now that if we were overrun by aliens from another planet it could be a blessing - I asked if he thought they would land in Wyoming (it could be raining in Milton Keynes) but he said anywhere so long as it was nowhere near his proposed little shop he and Helen had their minds set on, like.


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