WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward
Its about that time of the year again when we pay homage to those wonderful people who have survived much grief, hardship or trying to fathom out just how does the self service checkout at the supermarket know there is ‘an unexpected item in the bagging area’.
Years ago my mum, of the people for the people, might have pointed out said ‘unexpected item’ would be that Evelyn, from number 12 across the road, faffing about as usual.
So it’s that time amid other back slapping events that reward those overpaid, of debatable ‘talent’, whom will press upon us mere mortals that we are responsible for destroying the ozone layer, rain forests plus other bits their publicists have told them of that they care passionately about, before they rush away to board their private jets to whisk away to their tax havens with assorted baubles from those wonderful ‘events’ as we once again salute less hyped people at the highly prestigious WAFFTAs (Wonderfuel Award’s For Frivolous Trivial Antics) or as they are better known fondly to the rest of us, the Planks.
As before this event was held recently in the back room of The Pig and Whistle public house situated in the little village of Much Grovellingtight lids are not accepted.
There is a choice of house and guest beers, wines as well plus for this year only, Special Limited Edition 5 Kilo size Royal Marriage Commemorative Pork Scratchings as well as Scotch (and by appointment) Welsh, Irish and English eggs, ozone friendly pickled onions, also available.
Sadly, due to an oversight, the expected ‘red carpet’ was not deployed outside the entrance due to a practical ‘dry run’ beforehand for the required Risk Assessment twaddle was postponed due to Lambrusco, who has newly passed her driving test, reversing over it while distracted by trying to drive while using her mobile device – the photo of her examining the damage to the carpet went viral plus over two million of her followers asked where they could get the same shade of carpet from at a good discount.
She responded that The Pig & Whistle currently have one that is slightly soiled with tyre marks on it plus is available quite cheap.
The Master of Ceremonies was once again Clive Horse-Trough who many will recall made a splendid job of last year’s event that many praised his handling of it plus a few inquired about his health as they thought he had died years ago.
With the prestigious WAFFTA golden envelopes at the ready, the event started off with the much converted Hant and Deck Award for being Hant and Deck and once again, for the 29th year running, went to…Hant and Deck.
Hant and Deck where so overcome with emulsion – their agent said the gloss finish was ordered but only the emulsion arrived in time – as they did not expect this Award as it was completely unexpected and out the blue.
The nominations for the “I Feel Sure It’s In Here Somewhere ‘ twinned with ‘I’ll Get a Reply Even If It Kills Me..” WAFFTA were quite high this time and among those were: Mrs Elsie Barkwick for trying to find one of the items to buy in her local supermarket as featured in the junk mail leaflet/flyer that arrived in her mail, Ned Clinger for telephoning someone at the local council who was not ‘away from their desk’, ‘on a course’ or ‘on holiday’, Betty Cartwright for offering advice on what would happen if next door’s cat did anything unmentionable on her bedding plants after she had planted them.
The judges all agreed on the winner as being Ned Clinger but his wife Sybil collected it posthumously on his behalf as he had died through the shock of actually getting through.
Ned was 97 when he passed away but thirty nine when he first tried to speak to someone ‘at the council’.
Next we now move on to the ‘Impetus Endeavour Act’ WAFFTA and once again there were many nominations and among those were: Arnold Brittleneck who claimed he could drive through town without encountering a roadworks team and their delightful coloured ‘Road Works’ and ‘Detour’ signs, Ricky Pincushion who shot to fame after winning ‘I’ve Got Talent They Tell Me’ with his singing but sadly after a full week, has not been heard of since winning.
There was upset at the time when one of the panel judges said that Ricky “had star written all over him” but this was untrue of course as it was Mars, which many said is a planet not a star.
However, the winner in this category went to Mavis Fishhing-Line, who despite all odds achieved a personal best in the 500 Metres Straight Dash in the Ladies Open Free Style event.
Her husband Len explained afterwards that her strategy had paid off as he told of just before she lined up on the start line, he poured half a shovel of red hot ball bearings down a flame retardant funnel into the back of her corsets, then he said there was no stopping her but further added she was nearly half way around the course again after passing the winning line before the heat died down and it was safe for her to land.
The WAFFTA Life Time Achievement Award went to Bob Louie Stevenson for his life’s work into finding alternative energy whose pioneering work into using small brain cells supplemented by steam from a discarded central heating boiler with brass fittings to bring together a nucleus of sustainable and affordable power of which research is still continuing due to the fact as he often points out: ‘You just can’t get the proper wood these days’.
Many may well bring to mind the work of his pioneering great, great, great grandfather Robert Louie The-Other who sat watching in his mother’s kitchen, constantly looking at the kettle on the coal fired stove with the slowly appearing steam that was coming from the blackened spout.
Once he realised this, history relates he placed his finger over the spout and it stopped the steam, then the kettle lid began to rise and he discovered two things - motive force by steam plus he burnt his finger in the process and from this he went on to invent first aid plasters and burn ointment.
So until this time next year, we wish you a happy WAFFTA year from everybody here, recorded live with cameras, at the ‘Pig and Whistle’ in Much Grovelling.
Update: the slightly damaged red carpet is still for sale but Lambrusco’s claim for whiplash injury has been rejected.