WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward
As I scribble away its still the winter period where to take your mind away from bad weather, hurricanes and other fast flying WW2 aircraft plus reports of recent research by scientists with nothing better to do, who looked into why people sleep at night when it’s at its darkest and there are the seemingly endless events that are the Awards ceremonies to yawn through on the flat screen wonder.
Yes, it’s that time again for those wonderful ‘events’ where a lot of people you may perhaps have not heard of, neither know or even care about who attend back-slapping events to get shiny baubles for basically doing their job, the guessing bit being is trying to work out exactly what they do for which they have been paid handsomely for, before their donning a tee-shirt with the cause of the moment stamped on it to ask you for donations to ease the root of the current cause that (other) peoples money can be applied as a form of sticking plaster and you can text your life’s saving away to help in one finger swipe or press on your hand held device.
So now to set the record straight and even things up a bit I would like to announce the winners or the recipients of this year’s Coveted and... (sorry about the delay here but had to check how prestigious is spelt)... prestigious WAFFTA’s that identify and reward those on the other side of life as in the real world who selfishly carry on without the glamour of having their own show on television late at night when nobody is about to view it, due mainly to the audience being asleep as found out by the crowd of scientists as pointed out above.
The WAFFTA’s – Wonderfuel Award For Frivolous Trivial Antics – are highly sought after by those humble and unselfish people who carry on doing what they do in their own special way, basically because they are possibly paid to do it with some under the impression a tax avoidance scheme is something to do with how to lay a carpet without using those small pointed nail things.
The event was held recently in the lounge bar of The ‘Pig and Whistle’ public house situated in Much Grovelling (note: there is a of choice beers, wines and spirits plus special edition pork scratchings, pre-referendum Scotch eggs, pickled onions, available at half time) but due to last minute ‘behind the scenes’ activities caused by lack of staff, the expected ‘red carpet’ was not deployed outside the entrance due to failure in filling in the required risk assessment forms and not obtaining a street closure order in time.
Our Master of Ceremonies for the event was Clive Horse-Trough, who many will know played the part of Shanks the butler in the Radio Four adaptation of Dame Sidney Cartwright’s ‘What Was that Gunshot Noise in the Library About?’ and was also a scenery shifter on the BBC children’s programme ‘Blue Peter’ some years ago and so still knows a thing or two about getting things moving fast when it comes to inanimate objects and people of the same disposition.
The nominations for the “I Feel Sure It’s In Here Somewhere...” WAFFTA were quite high this time and among those were: Beryl Masonby for trying to find a missing sock in her washing machine, grey, left foot size nine – he sock, not the washing machine – Dave Quartermain for trying to find the tuna in his cucumber and tuna roll as brought from a leading supermarket (they should know better, Dave).
The judges all agreed the winner was Sybil Puncture-Patch for not remembering to apply the handbrake in her car before leaving it parked on an incline and it was subsequently recovered from the River Ouse by a well known breakdown recovery crew using a crane, a mechanical one with rope and hook and not the bird of the same name.
On hearing the news, Sybil broke down in tears, both at the recovery of her car plus the WAFFTA and sadly was unable to be present to receive the award in person as she was too busy sponging her car out back home but pointed out that although she was a non-smoker, the ashtray bore little damage and seemed to be in full working order.
We now move on to the ‘Impetus Endeavour Act’ WAFFTA and once again the nominations were many in this highly specialised category and among those were: Benny Boothbrittle for attempting to cut his 40th birthday cake while dangling on the end of a bungee cord suspended over the River Avon so that he could wish himself ‘many, many happy returns’.
Alice Carnfettle for attempting to break the world record for pulling a fully loaded milk float by her teeth but sadly failed, blaming the yogurts as being ‘Buy One – Get One Free’ size and unknowingly added more weight over the rear axle plus the handbrake was left on.
She has reassured her fans she was going for her second full denture fitting this coming week.
However the winner in this category was Guy Rhope for his failed attempt at crossing the English Channel by elastic powered monoplane of his own design and he put this down to not enough turns on the elastic propulsion unit (rubber band) when he came down in a field near Dover and when asked by Clive Horse-Trough if he would be attempting this feat again, he said it might be stretching it a bit.
This year’s Lifetime Achievement Award goes to somebody that a lot of you thought was no longer with us or as it’s better known as, looking around charity shops.
The WAFFTA Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Hemma Seam, the actress who shot to fame as the human cannonball Paula Shott in ‘Life’s a Circus’ and won the praise of Gielgud (Sid, not John) who said gushingly: “Her performance went completely over our heads.”
She then went to Hollywood where she did a bit of shopping and with time to spare, she married the first of her husbands, Ricky Dickylus the baseball player bloke.
They returned home to England afterwards while it was quiet, on or about half past ten on a Saturday morning, but the short lived marriage sadly ended in divorce.
She went on to marry and nurture another ten husbands along the way and each ending in divorce and when asked about this, she replied through Jasmine Z her coach and lifestyle guru: “I always looked upon it as a team effort but with no substitutes or injury time to aim for.”
MC Clive Horse-Trough presented the WAFFTA for getting through so much iced fruitcake to Hemma and this was greeted by rapturous applause from the visiting darts team from the Welder’s Armpit Social Club (Affiliated).
She said she was touched but said she would not press charges if the culprit made himself known and also did he like fruitcake, iced, by any chance?.
So until this time next year, we wish you a happy WAFFTA year from everybody here, recorded live with cameras, at the ‘Pig & Whistle’.