WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward
The sun was quite bright for the time of the day, morning before you wonder, and I double checked with the Bumper Book of Planets & Other Things Dangling in the Sky and yes, it was the sun – it’s been so long now, it comes as shock to see it is the sun.
Just to add to the fun, it was also Sun-day as in the one after Saturday but before Monday.
So all things considered, a drive into Spalding was on the cards and so off we go to see what wondrous delights are awaiting one’s wallet in this vast metropolis that is the consumer paradise of endless bargains and wonderment. I must rest up I know but I feel it’s worth saying a good word or two about the place in case strangers are reading this. I was totally amazed as during the whole trip in along the A151 and over the roundabout at the junction of the A16, then into the town centre or the Hub as some might call it, as during this trip I did not encounter any roadworks and in some respects I feel cheated as it is expected, more so with decent weather basically here.
I parked with ease, then got out the car and decisions of the day then came up in the mind and after careful consideration; I wandered off in the direction of a DIY store to see what was up for grabs or at the very least, even pay for at the check out. On getting through the doors, I was greeted with: “Can I guide you to the area you require?” to which I replied I was just killing a bit of time - to be honest I was really checking on the pricing structure or put another way, how much has it gone up by this week.
The reply was thus as the ‘semi-posh accent was gorn’: “Okay den, wunder oft alung there then and ‘ave a gander!” was the chirpy reply and to hear it spoken in fluent Spaldernease was quite refreshing as none of the usual: “Howw mhay I hellp yhoo todhay?” as spoken in cut glass English with all the charm of somebody auditioning for the part of Eliza Doosmall in ‘Moy Fare Lhady’ as spoken by Charlotte Pilkington Mudd-Flap from Customer Services.
I did indeed ‘wunder alung’ and I brought a ‘clearance line’ (?) spanner, one of, big, that while I don’t really have a use for it but the price was indeed right, much like the woman folk who buy stuff or ‘bargains’ two or three or four sizes too small and a book of ‘How to Perform Miracles in Three Days (or sizes maybe?)’, however in my case I feel sure it will come in handy the next time a bowl of walnuts presents itself at Christmas time. I prefer the blunt instrument approach to cracking walnuts as opposed to the usual, nay accepted, method of using nut-crackers as I find it easier to lay the nut on a wooden block, breed of tree not that important if you are taking notes at this stage, and then cover said nut with a non fluffy piece of cloth so that it contains all the broken outer shell so that nothing flies off and then uncovering it to retrieve the actual nut, or kernel, depending on your education level of course.
Once out of the DIY metropolis, off to the delights of the supermarket. Wandering around, as opposed to ‘wundering’, I came across the bakery section and commenting to a baker who was replenishing some stock on those stands that has the tags pointing out everything is a pound an item, I informed him that we had one of the packs of jam doughnuts last week and had found a smear of jam in one and I wondered if he could guide me to where I might fill in a claim form in order to be entered into the prize draw for getting a whole pack with jam in all of them but all I got was a sheepish grin and silence, so I assume it’s already been won – they tell us nothing, absolutely nothing.
Back to the car now – you are keeping up I hope – and once in and getting ready to go, I put the radio on more to hear of any possible traffic hold-ups locally so I can nip along and join in so that I know in myself, I have indeed visited the town in all its usual, and expected, glory. But what do I get? – waffle in the form of ‘results of surveys’ that are usually meaningless as in – wait for it – ‘Woman are more attracted to handsome men’ (you don’t say..) and I can vouch for that although I have now got wiser and instead of talking them out of it, I now give them a card from a local opticians to get in for an eye test pronto. However another side to this is that it does tend to alienate the likes of Quasimodo and his kindred folk as how does this make them feel? – no ‘survey’ results for his lot were mentioned, so I feel sorry for poor Quasi and his mates plus what must his mum, Mrs Modo, think about it all?
Having had enough of that, I twiddled the station thingy and after hearing whatever it was they were warbling, bless me if we then went into ‘recent research shows that’ waffle and this time it was somebody going on about possible life forms on other planets and how many years research had gone into assorted experiments and such like but we all know by now if there was any life form on another or any planet, planning permission would have been put in for the first ‘zap through’ burger joint and opening offer of a free ‘Zoonie Melt’ , with crushed nuts, with every order for the first load of intergalactic coach trippers passing through.
Sadly while all these efforts from many countries are going on to send probes, manned craft when available or still waiting for spare parts as in ‘The man in the service dept. said the bits will be in by Tuesday and will ring when it’s ready’ syndrome, plus bouncing radio beams off the side of the said planets to see if there is water there and if so, when can the first hand car wash joint start up?.
This all takes money, loads of, plus while all these folk are engaged in these loss making ventures and using valuable planet resources to overstate the blindingly obvious, why do we still have vast amounts of potholes in our roads on this planet and more so this county. So what is the chance ‘life forms’ on other planets will be sending probes to see when they can send a gang down to get them fixed or put another way, instead of wasting money of playing at ‘Star Struck’, we have enough things that need sorting down here first before flights of fancy in the name of science. Boldly going, but do mind the potholes...