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I quite enjoyed watching Wild Bill

During this summer there has been a series on ITV called ‘Wild Bill’ with the plot line about the Chief Constable for the East Lincolnshire police force.

American Rob Lowe is in the lead role, but while I think he comes over quite well, it’s a lot to swallow - but as an actor he pulls the role off well in my humble opinion.

It was filmed in and around Boston so it’s different to see a part of the Lincolnshire area featured, although the local scenery has been minimal to the plots.

John Ward (14325636)
John Ward (14325636)

However I noted the following gem while in a shop in Boston a week after the first programme aired. Someone was discussing their ‘part’ in the opening episode - his ‘appearance’ being the back of his left shoulder in the background of a shot in the market.

The plots, such as they are, seem to hinge on outrageous events, such as the first episode involving a severed head in a fridge - not a freezer - and so on.

But as the plot unfolded we found out it was achieved by the headless person, whom we assume had it on to begin with, losing it during a set-to on top of a wind turbine (like you do) when it was severed by the blades (blunt side - judging by their rotation seen at the end), but that’s a minor point.

John Ward enjoyed Wild Bill (14325829)
John Ward enjoyed Wild Bill (14325829)

This series is perhaps made for the American market, but I must admit I find it quite entertaining. A sort of Monty Python’s Flying Circus with blue flashing lights - although I have heard people suggest it’s the ‘best crime series ever’ (yeah, right).

I now, hopefully, look forward to another series, but whether that will happen is down to the bean counters and more importantly the viewer ratings as unintentional (?) comedic police-themed programmes are few and far between.

I also tend to think it’s a missed opportunity that the area couldn’t have been highlighted, much along the lines of ‘Last of the Summer Wine’, ‘Heartbeat’, or ‘Hamish Macbeth’, where the scenery is prominently featured. This has the bonus of attracting tourists after the programmes have aired benefitting the local economy.

However this programme seems to be more about making a product to sell wherever the market is. But what do I know?

John Ward enjoyed Wild Bill (14325967)
John Ward enjoyed Wild Bill (14325967)

These plots/scripts have inspired me to started on one of my own as culture doesn’t get any better than this.

My proposed series is called ‘Slightly Upset Ron’ about a British (in Britain) police constable with the opening episode entitled ‘It happened on the hand-made Indian rug’.

Rural police patrol officer PC Correctt (Slightly Upset Ron) has been called to a country mansion ‘somewhere in Lincolnshire’ where a body has been discovered under suspicious circumstances by the wife of the dead person.

Wild Bill was set in Boston (14326115)
Wild Bill was set in Boston (14326115)

As he is shown the room he notices numerous sheets of paper, with assorted pictures or images on, plus a few pencils and crayons lying about.

He decides this may well be the drawing room as this was featured in his Police Officers Degree course under the syllabus of ‘Common Sense and Cluedo Scenarios - Year One’.

PC Correctt admires the wonderful hand-made Indian rug the dead body is lying on..

Having heard the initial report on his car radiophone - Detective Sergeant Welblowmedown CID (Called In Desperation) arrives, stopping a few feet from the prone body as he too admires the rug, but is not sure about the pastel red and blue colours. He asks PC Correctt if anything has been touched or moved, who replies ‘no’, but if they moved the body across, they could vacuum the lovely hand-made Indian carpet before it gets messed up with the forensics team arriving (on page twenty seven).

Det Sgt Welblowmedown casts an eye over the scene and after much chin rubbing, while staring out the window, asks who discovered the body. PC Correctt explains it was the dead man’s wife, who heard a loud bang and came through to see what had happened. She thought he may have fused the vacuum cleaner as heattempted to clean the Indian rug.

But she found him dead but with no sign of a vacuum cleaner, screamed and then called the police (as per the script, page nine).

PC Correctt observed various things he thought relevant such as that the man was killed by a small, sharp pointed metal object and had he had found a discharged nine millimetre cartridge case - normally used in automatic pistols. He knew this from watching assorted television crime programmes and from the syllabus of ‘Common Sense and Cluedo Scenarios - Year Two’.

Det Sgt Welblowmedown replied that despite this, what made him think that the dead person had been shot.

PC Correctt pointed out the small nine millimetre size hole or cavity in the dead person’s chest with a tinge of redness to it. This could be blood, although it might not be significant, but on the other hand there were no signs of any jam doughnuts about that might have had the same effect as, say for instance, biting in an - the jam squirting out and going on the person’s shirt missing the Indian rug.

Det Sgt Welblowmedown then mutters this could be a case of murder, excluding the possiblility that the deceased trapped and fell on the sharp pointed bullet carelessly. The bullet having been left out of the family bullet box after being cleaned and polished. Det Sgt Welblowmedown again stares out the convenient window just as cousin Rodger bursts in and shouts: ‘Is the hand made Indian rug safe?’.

At this point there would be the usual batch of adverts then in part two a search for the murderer who may have been seen wearing the back of a right shoulder as he fled the scene - but was possibly also carrying a gun thing as well.

Part Two involves the large box that PC Correctt often ticks with a supply of pencils to keep score of procedures.

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