Another enlightening week
Sometimes things can be boring in some respects, even tedious, which is basically the same as boring but it’s spelt differently as it does not use the letter B in it.
So boring/tedious entered the week or rather mine but was then transformed into assorted dollops of silliness that included the following events or situations where you wonder why we have the resources to land a person on the moon (ample parking as well) but are unable to get spare parts for a vacuum cleaner that while still able to suck the fluff out a carpet, the undercarriage has fell to bits as in the mounts to the wheels are kaput, writes John Ward.
While assorted local and not so local inquiries amounted to a dead end, last line of defence being to contact the makers - oh silly me, why didn’t I think of that first?
On ringing, going through the joy of their elongated ‘menu’ my life, or what passes for it, was slowing ebbing away in the mists of time as by then I heard about the ninth bit about pressing key number wotsit plus the hash key, time was now gone five Earth minutes and counting.
Eventually I spoke with Pauline, how could she help? - having just about got through their menu, an asylum would be nice to retire to or possibly just give me instruction on how to get to the family library, find the family revolver but being economical I only wanted one bullet, with the pointed bit at the sharp end would do nicely I replied.
There was a pause as Pauline, for is She, spoke: "Do you have the model or part number?" As I replied a point thirty eight would be nice as it would leave less smoke after being discharged (fired even) than a point three fifty seven magnum which although the same bore basically, it has a longer casing.
It appears that as the said vaccy cleaner was ‘now out of warranty according to the serial number and date of purchase on the ‘system’, but you have done well to get it to last this long..’ (!?) which made me wonder if I could apply for a diploma or what have you to hang on the wall to signify this event that the cleaner had survived long enough to be just out its warranty period before, literally, the wheels or one of, had fell off.
I pointed out I knew it was out of the warranty raffle process as all I wanted was the spare part to repair it with but I should have guessed - ‘they are no longer available’ - but there were some ‘exciting new vacuum cleaner models now available’ and did I want the link to look on-line?
Bearing in mind this is just over two-years-old, it seems you have to throw it away and buy another - just how do those spending their time and placard waving about ‘saving the planet’ figure in this? - are two-year-old vaccy cleaners limping about on one wheel exempt? - is this really being ‘green’ or is that the colour of the consumer?
If proof were ever needed we live in a throw-away society, this clinched it.
Plan B: I am now making the part with fibre glass as I am trying to save the planet, but what for is anybody’s guess.
Next up to brighten my day was Dennis who had been given a ‘Fingerprint Recognition Smart Key-Less Waterproof Security Anti-Theft Padlock’ (note: those expecting to hear after all that long drawn out description that it caught fire will be disappointed - as it didn’t) which looked very stylish in its polished metal finish but it’s a padlock none the less but apparently a very expensive one but as the description implies, no key as in a physical one that you stick in and twiddle.
New technology - donchca just lurve it? – nowadays marketing trivial bits and bobs is never ending and more so if a mobile device is needed.
Dennis doesn’t lurve it sadly as while he charged it up as it has a small battery within via a standard USB socket with the supplied plug and lead, he has problems in that it does not ‘recognize’ his fingerprint anymore - it did just the once it seems but it now no longer opens.
In an age where things should be simpler, this comes along to mess that theory up in one swoop as reading the supplied ‘instructions’ that are written in a form of Oriental English such as: ‘You find will (is Will lost?) that it best it work much better once charged on first time with good electric’ which might mean that Dennis has charged it up with ‘bad electric’ possibly - who knows?
On reading further into the twilight world that is Oriental English, the bottom line - literally - is that it cannot be opened any other way other than the owner or designated person’s fingerprint as there is no manual override - it’s locked, finito.
If ever there was a time to carry a spare finger, it was now.
There was a delightful paragraph, once decoded into English, that points out you can download an app to your mobile device/phone/electronic tombstone in order to set ‘preferences’ which one might consider getting to open might be one of them but sadly Dennis didn’t get round to reading that bit before playing ‘lets play open the padlock’.
All this silliness to get toys out in the world that are basically that, mere toys to pamper to the whims of the zombie phone crowd, beggars belief but meanwhile people are dying because of diseases and aliments due to no funds being available for research etc, although money can be found for rubbish like this - what next? - the fingerprint operated tin opener with app for the mobile device that tells you if it's peas in the tin or tuna chunks? - plus in what field the peas were gown and what size nets were used to catch the tuna in.
I find it hard to believe that other life forms travel billions of astro light years to land here to observe our habits as I can save them the trip - it’s not worth it, believe me.
If you are following this fingerprint operated padlock saga, you will be gladdened to know it’s been sorted - it’s now a paperweight in real time.
Next an email from friend Mon - she had moved into her new abode and is in the throes of getting the place sorted and regularly updates on the ‘fun’ she is having in her garden as she is doing her best to make it look like a garden rather than a safari adventure park.
She has been trying to dig out something growing in the said rear garden, possibly related to the triffid plant family that should not be there but the roots are well bedded in as it won’t budge but Mon thinks she is on course - literally - to get a DIY (Dig It Yourself) route to Australia the way it's going presently with the good news if there is a soil shortage locally to her, she has about a ton going spare so it’s ‘Gud dhay, sphort’ in ‘down under’ speak from her and the end of this page from me.
More by this authorJeremy Ransome