WEEKEND WEB: What next for the scrappage heap?

We take our weekly glimpse into the extraordinary place that is WARD’S WORLD.

It seems that the word ‘scrappage’ has come back to humour us after being used a few years back to get rid of people’s cars, which was part of the enticement or carrot to buy a new model to adorn their driveway or park outside their humble abode but, in simple terms, got rid of some older cars that were perhaps in better condition than visualised, as some owners did look after them, despite being considered ‘past it’ although it did shift new models aided by a financial incentive to do so.

However, this time it seems the word now applies to the home improvement sector, or rather part of it, as an advert I have just seen said you could now ‘scrap’ your old double- glazed windows and invest in new ones.

Quite how this bodes with anybody who has shelled out their hard-earned folding stuff a few years ago in the belief - the salesman said or rather implied - that they carried a (think of a number here) of X amount of years guarantee based on the theory you only look through them, as opposed to driving them, so hopefully with no fear of anything falling off as you go, quite unlike a car or similar type of driveable projectile.

The problem, of course, is if this ‘scrappage’ malarkey catches on with double glazing, will it also apply to kitchens or even bedrooms, if really desperate, as an instance?

So what else can we look around the humble homestead for that could well fit into this ongoing trend of the scrappage idiom?

One very obvious candidate is the flat screen wonder that used to be called television, the very device that informs us that such scrappage schemes are happening and what could or whatever will be next on the ‘Most Wanted to rid of’ list as we purge the home of these supposed nasty items that are now considered to be worthy or eligible of being, well, scrapped.

A piece of history at this stage of the proceedings.

Some years ago, somebody (Harry) who lived near my mum (of the people for the people), who after a few pints of the falling-down fluid at the local boozer arrived home and finding the family had done the decent thing and gone to bed, he then switched the telly on - which in those days was a wooden-type box thing with a tube inside and knobs to twiddle down the side or in front, depending on the model, and remote control was a broom handle used to switch it on or off.

He slumped in his favourite chair and the next morning laid claim that he saw ‘everything in 3D’ that past night and this was before assorted manufacturers had a stab at making such televisions available that required sitting with welding goggles on to see this 3D phenomenon (allegedly) but why they never went to him in the first place we shall never know, but he said three pints was sufficient for black and white films, four or five was best for colour pictures with packets of crisps or pork scratchings optional.

One minor point though.

The reason the family went bed earlier than normal the night before was the telly had packed up just after the 10 o’clock news, with smoke wafting out the back of it, just after the blue flash had took its toll and no way related to anything the cat may have done while lying on the top of it although it was normally considered ‘house trained’.

I can well see that the current obsession with having a curved screen (the cobbled screen version is still in the development stages) telly will soon descend into its not curved enough, with or without the five pints of falling-down fluid as mentioned above, that will come under a section of a scrappage scheme, electrical devices, non-rechargeable, home based, affiliated.

Another possible target, sorry, strategy, might be chimney pots with square ones being replaced with round ones, as the aforementioned square ones belting out the wrong colour, shape and density of smoke that could well be partly responsible for carving chunks out the ozone layer (allegedly).

Although we must wait a while on that one until an expert on chimneys can be found lurking in a government department, wanting his or her share of the ‘caring for the environment’ limelight as if Giles in the Department for the Gutters, Sewers, Drains and Owt-Else Going can be interviewed on the telly talking about his (carefully scripted) concerns, then it’s time for another ‘talking head’ to have a turn.

It’s been rumoured that next on the list for scrappage deals will be cutlery.

A Scrappage Assessment Bureau will be set up in most towns, cities and motorway service areas whereby one will be able to book an appointment to take along all the knives, forks, spoons and ladles and not forgetting those novelty Gordon Ramsey soup spoons that swear at you in a choice of 17 different languages when dipped in a bowl of soup that were all the rage at one time, second only to the wall mounted ‘Sam the Digital Singing Fish’ that sung “I been hooked on you a while, babe” in a choice of selectable English, French, German and American languages.

On arrival, you will be asked to check in, describe your cutlery as best you can, and also point out any faults or snags such as the Sheffield stainless steel canteen of cutlery you had as a gift was made in Hong Kong due to overtime being cut back in, well, Sheffield, at the time and this will save you some time and inconvenience.

Those who use plastic eating implements due to visiting family members that are not to be trusted, more so those who only turn up for family funerals, will not be asked to attend to save any embarrassment.

Regarding said plastic cutlery, there will instructions for this eventuality will be on page 37 of the government leaflet number: UK17839/
2645/89653/Bonus Ball 7 (revised) Knives, Forks and Spoons - Valuation and Assessments that will be soon be dropping through your letterbox but hopefully before letterboxes are scrapped, otherwise it could be tricky, as being a thick leaflet, it will not slide under the front door, (which so far have not been mentioned in any possible scrappage initiatives as the staff and hangers-on to oversee it have not been hired yet, but pencil it in under ‘forthcoming attractions’ in your diaries or on your social media page next to ‘must feed cat today’ reminder).

To think that my mum all those years ago applied for planning permission for a serving hatch for her kitchen/dining room wall, as she was never happy with the one she had when she moved in, as it opened into the back garden and apart from next door’s dog - Knuckles - nobody ever took any food from her.

She gave up in the end as no CK (Council Killjoy) appeared to do the required, so she had it removed, then glazed, and called it a kitchen window, but I feel sure that this serving hatch would now be part of a scrappage deal - unless you can see through it all of course.

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