TRISH TAKES FIVE: By Trish Burgess
Mrs White, faithful housekeeper of Tudor Mansion, has, after 70 years, been given her marching orders.
Hasbro, the company behind the board game Cluedo, has decided to replace one of its characters in a move to give the game a more contemporary feel.
In her place we have another female, Dr Orchid, who has a PHD in plant psychology.
According to her back story, she was privately educated in Switzerland until she was expelled after an incident involving daffodils resulted in a near-fatal poisoning.
She is also the adoptive daughter of Dr Black, the perpetual victim of the game, and, after her expulsion, was home-educated by none other than Mrs White, who she has now superseded in this timeless murder mystery.
The board game has undergone a few changes in its lifetime but, if Mrs White has been given the heave-ho, I’m thinking maybe it needs a whole new revamp.
Are daggers the weapons of choice for opportunistic murder these days? I would have thought a kitchen knife might be closer to hand, along with a bungee cord instead of a rope and a Black and Decker cordless drill as an alternative to a spanner.
I’m sure the billiard room could easily be turned into a home gym, which would make a hefty set of dumbbells a far more effective bludgeoning implement than a lead pipe, especially as most of those were replaced by PVC ones when Dr Black had the builders in some years ago.
Dr Black is a bit of a tech geek these days so his study has become a computer/gaming room.
The new Mrs Black, leaving him to his endless games of Call of Duty, has insisted the dividing wall between the kitchen and dining room be removed to give the place a more open-plan feel.
She was also instrumental in having those secret passages filled in as the damp was quite unacceptable.
The extension on the west wing of the house has proved to be the perfect place for Dr Black’s wearisome mother-in-law: a relief to everyone, especially since they had the Sky dish installed and she can now watch back-to-back episodes of Taggart and CSI.
With Mrs White gone, it’s high time the other colourful characters were updated. I was wondering about making them pop stars: Pink and Professor Green?
Then I realised that, of course, the potential suspects lend themselves perfectly to the leaders of our political parties.
Ms/Mr Scarlett: Angela Eagle or Jeremy Corbyn? Professor Plum: Nigel Farage or his replacement (unless he changes his mind again).
Mrs Peacock: Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom will fight this one out. The Rev Green: Natalie Bennett/Caroline Lucas? Colonel Mustard: Tim Farron.
This should make the game much simpler to play. With politicians as suspects, I think it’s fair to say Dr Black will be found stabbed in the back ... I’m guessing that kitchen knife will come in useful.