Electric scars

WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

With the latest chunk of news (debatable) about electric cars being the norm by the year 2040, assuming the planet lasts that long of course, it is quite something to think about or ponder over presently as you fill up with petrol or diesel.

I personally still think that steam is the answer as water is plentiful, usually lots of it falling during the summer months, more so during the school holiday period plus with the local area water companies digging the roads up on a fairly regular basis you would never be ‘caught short’ for supplies as any major road in the area would possibly be your oasis in a manner of speaking.

By using steam as a motive force as in years gone by, this would help by not requiring petrol or diesel stations and they could be converted into ‘Log and Coal Stop-Offs’ as we imagine asking: “Five bags of logs, two bags of your best nutty slack (if you feel left out and are below a certain age, Google ‘coal slack’) and three thick squirts of water in the boiler and no dribbling or splashing, please.”

Back to the leccy car idea then and 2040.

2040... it sounds like a title for one of those mind numbing films that you go to the cinema to see and three hours afterwards, have no idea of what it was all about but the bloke playing the part of Dirk Clackdawn has just left his wife to shack up with his co-star, Zarina Lhittle-Talantt because if the film ‘plot’ did not get ‘bums on seats’, then the thought of their supposed private lives would get folk into the cinema and point fingers at the screen.

This 2040 (plus VAT) ‘announcement’ for what it’s worth comes hot on the heels of a prior motoring related missive a short while ago when we were told about ‘driverless’ cars and a whole plethora of assorted items and ideas cropped up on phone-in radio programmes, numerous ‘experts’ were writing about this new fangled idea that would revolutionise motoring but begs the question what would you do while the car is driving itself or more importantly, is there any point in being a part of all this in the first place?

If I hear and read it right, by the year 2040 (plus VAT) there will be no cars being made with either petrol or diesel engines like in today’s world but if this being the case, a few thoughts on the matter as I see it now as I have no idea if I will be here then personally.

Listening to various bods on assorted radio programmes recently who own electric cars and you can’t fail to notice in some cases it’s a bit of a snobbish thing – in one instance an owner said his vehicle/status symbol “only chost just hover fifty shix thousand phounds” and yes, he spoke just like that but I managed to translate it as best I could with my low level ed-you-cation – but assume ‘entry level’ peasant models are available for slightly less money but you have to park them round the corner away from the ‘top of the range’ section so as not to upset the well-heeled lot who have shelled out their mega-bucks like the above Nigel Wehaveit-Hall chappie.

Considering people trying to get on the ‘property ladder’ nowadays, will saving up for an electric car overtake that strategy?

But hopefully the common motorist will be all electric if we are going to believe these things but at this point, hands up all those who don’t believe this will happen?

Right then… 73 per cent don’t believe it, 15 per cent do believe it, one wants to leave the room as he’s ‘on new tablets’ and the others are dithering or asking all their friends on social media what to go for, so that’s the final results from those present with only Sharon abstaining due to her having her nails polished.

As a possible minus in this way of thinking, just what will happen to that travelling roadblock that is seen on most roads and byways at any given time of the year, the mobile caravan owner and how do they figure in all this?

Will bigger and thicker batteries be available for those wanting to tow their pride and joy over possibly hundreds – or thousands – of miles as some presently do?

But basically this could kill off the mobile caravan manufacturers in a swoop as what electric-powered vehicle would be able to pull these palaces on wheels with all their constant add-on features like built-in sauna, swimming pool, 16-seat cinema, fold out barbecue patio area in the owner’s quest to ‘get away from it all and enjoy the great basic outdoors’ line of thought.

Plan R: Perhaps inflatable caravans to cut down on weight, maybe?

The range these type of vehicles are supposed to possess is questionable as ‘official figures’ are nothing to go by as recent events relating to violin playing on a grand scale by some big names in car manufacturing have been found to be ‘enhanced’ recently in assorted claims etc and more are still coming to light.

So apart from buying and finding out the hard way that your electrically-powered marvel does not do the miles as was claimed by the makers and assuming you can walk back to let us know that this is the case, who or what do you complain to?

Considering how highly petrol and diesel fuel is taxed currently there will have to be another form of taxation system and so something will have to replace it regardless but all this electric vehicle malarkey is, supposedly, to ‘save the planet’ but when you consider what it takes to manufacture the batteries alone and the fossil fuels used to do so, it seems as if all those windmills sited offshore and in fields to blight the landscape will have to be working overtime to keep up with all the demand because as well as producing the actual batteries, they will forever need charging as well.

Hands up anybody who knows how to order up extra wind power... and don’t be bashful.

Charging might be a problem for some that live, say, on floor seven in a high rise building – do they get a long extension lead and trail it out the window and down among the flower beds, mind the gnome, and surface a few feet from the road and then to plug into the car?

But what 2040 (plus VAT) holds nobody at this present time can really say for certain but a few non-automotive ideas could be:

• The Rolling Stones final, final farewell tour will be on at selected care homes;

• The last final, final stages of the Brexit UK-EU exit negotiations will be signed if anybody is still interested;

• The latest furniture massive sale will end on a Monday as usual but instead of another ‘sale’ starting on Wednesday, a truce will be declared and will start on the following Friday instead as a mark of respect for the consumer, introduction of the money dongle as cash type money was outlawed the year before to save on plastic and metal and Star Wars:37 ‘Return of Some Old Ideas’ is about to be released.

2040 (plus VAT) – will the bloke who played the part of Dirk Clackdawn be back with his missis by then?

Previously...

Laughing lovable Leslie

Taxing, trying times