I called time on my new watch offer

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WARD’S WORLD: By John Ward

You know it’s the summer thing as it’s brighter outside, warmer on occasion and the weeds are growing to Olympic standards. I was cutting the lawn when suddenly I was approached by a man from nowhere – oddly you can’t find nowhere on a lot maps – who told me the obvious that it was indeed warm, I was doing a good job of cutting the lawn so Round One of the intellectual stuff out the way.

Looking around the garden I could not see anybody else lurking about with a vacant free wrist wanting filled

The only time you usually get total strangers disturbing your existence at home is when they are selling something as I have never been accosted by anybody giving away anything of value to date - the Stradivarius was a no-no as he didn’t make trumpets - or Round Two: they are lost.

Oh no he said he was not selling anything so it must be he was lost but no, he wanted me to look at a watch to see what I thought about it and it was ‘worth-a’ knocking on nearly but not quite three hundred pounds, in cash not weight or kilos by arrangement.

Fine but remember he is not selling it but getting folk to admire it – as you do – but yes I could buy it at a knock down price of – wait for it – a mere thirty five pounds including the ‘presentation’ box which to be honest might be worth more than the watch which was a “Pierre Lagon” and not to be confused with any of the Rolex products of course.

Phase Two of the ploy was thus: the reason he wanted the money was to buy petrol so he could travel back home to Hickolee which I think he meant Italy but the translation was a bit iffy. So far so good but if he had driven over from Hickolee in this car and is going abacka in-a it as he put it, how come the car has English car registration number plates or are they the fashion out there in Hickolee?. A minor point but will let it pass for now.

Would I like to try it on my wrist and bearing in mind I already have a wrist watch so why would I want a topa da range-a (he said) “Pierre Lagon” model but then again he reassured me he was not really wanting to sell it but coulda be-a persuaded to and looking around the garden could not see anybody else lurking about with a vacant free wrist wanting filled so assumed he was talking to me still and I wasn’t persuading.

I thought I would scupper his plans by saying I don’t like the strap but hey-a presto he opens the car boot and the sheer array of this breed of watch was staggering and a quick look over all of them and based on the retail value of the first one he offered, this chap had about half a million pounds worth of stock in there or in real terms, hundred quid top whack of cheap tat.

I will say I did like the look of the real imitation plastic leather crocodile strap which must have been a relief for crocodiles everywhere.

I finally bade him farewell and off he went still not wanting to sell-a da watch but could-a, so keep an eye out for a look-a-like bullfighter driving a Vauxhall Corsa who is driving back to Hickolee as it could-a be him so you have been warned.

Meanwhile, mind how you mow.

The school reunion